Nothing new.

Well so yesterday didn't go too well. Of course he was drunk like all day. Idk why he always has to bring up stupid shit from my past and he thinks it has to effect "us". fuckin' moron. We decided we needed some space, that much is true. So I stayed home for a bit and took a nap while he went across the street to hang out with his friend... of course while he was there he got drunk again after being sober for only 2 hours. I may have contributed to the fight after he got home by giving him an attitude, but what the hell. He told me he wasn't going to drink. We were supposed to have a nice night, just the two of us. Yeah, that didn't happen. Instead he got all pissy with me and started bringing up ridiculous shit and was just out of control. One thing that I do blame myself for is my lack of trust. I get paranoid when he goes out by himself. Maybe it's because I'm with him all the time... but I know it's not that. I've been that way with every relationship regardless if I'm with someone everyday or not. I think that comes from my abandonment issues that I have..?? Idk. I just need time to myself. I need to get out while he's being stupid or just get out for good. Idk what to do. It's like I'm stuck. I know I should leave, I know it's not good for me to be here. I'm putting myself through hell. But how can I when my car is broken down and I have no money to fix it?? He's the one that's offering to fix it, but I can't be on his ass every minute of the day about getting my car fixed cuz I already tried that, and the outcome was bad. I can't look for a job yet because of my car, yet I can't find a decent job. I need to just get the courage to wake up and go for morning walks or something. I really want another camera so I can start taking pictures of my artwork and other random stuff that I pass by on these future walks that I plan to do. At least if I have something to work with, it will give me something to do and I'll have more time to myself away from this craziness.

I want to do something with my artwork. A lot of people told me I should try selling it, because it's very interesting. For the longest time, I thought to myself "I could never sell my work", because I just didn't want to let go.... but now I think I'm at a point in my life where I am ready to let go. I want to accomplish something with my creations. I think I can go far with my art. Art is appreciated everywhere. It's not always understood, but it's appreciated. I definitely put my heart and soul into what I create. I don't just draw what I see. I draw what's going on inside my mind. Not only that, but it's not everyday I can create. I create when I'm feeling inspired or just had it up to here and I just let it all out on a piece of paper. I was told I have the soul of an artist. That I probably do.

Well I'm done for now. I think I am going to take a shower and do some cleaning up around here... then maybe he'll be at least a bit happy or something.