In a rut

Alright, so I went to my gyno last week to get a pap smear, right? right! So on Tuesday, the office called me back, and told me I had abnormal cells on my cervix. I'm not too nervous on that, cuz abnormal cells are abnormal cells, and it could come back as nothing. But what I did find out yesterday.. I'm pregnant. This will be my 2nd pregnancy. Jeremy and I have talked about it, and he's mor leaning towards terminatination, but I just don't think I can go through with that... I mean not after my 1st baby. I think god gave me way too many chances to grow up and prepare for something like this to happen again, that it is finally time for my to move forward. Whether Jeremy accepts it or not, he's gunna have some growing up to do also. I think eventually, he'll come to terms with it. No one ever said it's going to be easy, but it's something we are going to have to get through together. I still have more talking to do with him. When my decision is final... I will let you know.

Arrrrg.

So things have been going pretty good. Me and Jer are getting along. This happens all the time. We'll have one horrible, horrible fight throughout the week.. then everything will be all honky-dory. Idk. I don't even want to talk about us anymore. It gets old. But in other news, I made this really awesome meal the other night... Salmon with this Alfredo and spinach. It was yum. I love cooking. I come up with the best creations ever. Sometimes I wish I could post my recipes up on here or somewhere... but really I don't even know the accurate measurements I put in my cooking. I just randomly add what sounds good at the moment. I'm sure it'd be easier if I were to pay attention to measuring, but whatever. I suck at math, so measurements are blah.

So I had this really crazy dream tonight, before I woke up. Every now and then I'll find myself having chilling dreams. It's so awkward and kinda creepy... but this is how it went. So I started off at some big family gathering at someones house.. about all my relatives were there, friends, even people I didn't know were there. I'm talking to my Aunt Judy, then I gradually make my way to my grandma and exchange a few sentences with her. I try to approach my dad but he was already talking to someone else and making his way into the garage. Next thing I know, this group of tall muscular men stampede through, and this one bald-headed jerk came up behind me ripped my necklaces off me and pushed me down and started yelling at me. Apparently in my dream, I got him kicked out out of some place. So I tried walking away to ignore the ruckus but he's still follows me and picks me up by my shoulders and tells me I'm going to get my ass kicked while everyone is trying to pull him off. My dad sees him and he jumps right in and scares them away. Idk what happened from there, but then I started to dream another dream about being at some neighborhood bar and grill, hanging out on the deck meeting with family. Next thing ya know, I'm walking back from the bar to my house and I pass this house ... huge house.. of people that were out to get me because of the incident in my first dream. fucking real weird. As I'm walking, I hear a girl talking about wtf is going to happen to me tonight once they get ready. At some point in my dream, I switch characters and I guess I'm supposed to be a maid-like person of that huge house, because 2 camera people came knocking on the door unnoticed and wanted to do like a walk through interview of the house. This house was even bigger on the inside! So I invited the camera crew in, as were walking through the long dark hall we go past a swarm of white huskies, which were meant to be our guard dogs and we see room fulls of people dressed in white coats, almost factory like, holding white bandanas and dying them pink. It was as if Pink was their signature color or something, or it symbolized that they were going on a murder mission or whatever. So we continue giong through the house, all the way through these long wooden-floored halls .. and there were many of these halls with lots of doors leading from one hall to another. idk it was just crazy.. almost like a maze. So I'm leading the camera crew through one hall towards the front of the house.. and we kinda make it up to the front porch but I tell them to not go any further becaus e there were 2 girls out front keeping a lookout or doing something and I guess I was the only one who knew about this camera crew and this house that we were in was one big private community. But anyway they kinda spot me... and so we run down a different hall through all these doors. I tell them to just stay put and I'll be back later. As I'm running trying to make my way to somewhere, I run into some lady who tells me I'm not supposed to be out of my room and to go back in. So i try going back into the direction wherever my room was, when out of the corner of me eye.. I see the headmistress lady of the house and I start running for dear life in and out of many doors and stairs. It was just so tricky running from this lady cuz every door lead to a set of stairs .. many stairs.. that lead to another hall and I had to try and be quiet about it but quick. I'm running down a flight of stairs and I see a foyer type thing and a huge,wide set of stairs.. so I make my way up those. Those stairs I quietly crawled up onto were filled with boxes and toys on the right side. I didn't go too far up past the staire\s, because I noticed some Santa Claus typer guy sitting at a table at the top of the stair case. I thought to myself "Well I could stay low to the ground and just quietly crawl under the table and past this man and get the hell outta here...", but I knew that wasn't going to as successful as I'd like it to be because I was wearing this white puffy coat which was kinda noisy... and plus it didn't help that I seen the scary headmistress lady to so scooted down to the right side of the stairs as she was walking up looking for me and I his behing a box and put a huge pillow over me to conceal myself. As I lifted up the pillow .. she was at the bottom of the stairs and I thought I was safe, until she effin turned around and spotted me and came marching up the stairs and killed me. But it was weird how I died and how she died. ...I had three egg yolks in my hand... I dropped them on the floor and dropped knives on them and so we died. Awkward! Dreams are so effin' crazy. They say dreams are ur subconscious talking to you, adn that you have like 57435463798240 dreams a minute. But idk.. sometimes dreams seem to last longer than a minute.

Well I'd like to stay and talk some more, but omg Coneheads is on tv and I frickin' LOOOOOOOOOOOVE this movie.

Nothing new.

Well so yesterday didn't go too well. Of course he was drunk like all day. Idk why he always has to bring up stupid shit from my past and he thinks it has to effect "us". fuckin' moron. We decided we needed some space, that much is true. So I stayed home for a bit and took a nap while he went across the street to hang out with his friend... of course while he was there he got drunk again after being sober for only 2 hours. I may have contributed to the fight after he got home by giving him an attitude, but what the hell. He told me he wasn't going to drink. We were supposed to have a nice night, just the two of us. Yeah, that didn't happen. Instead he got all pissy with me and started bringing up ridiculous shit and was just out of control. One thing that I do blame myself for is my lack of trust. I get paranoid when he goes out by himself. Maybe it's because I'm with him all the time... but I know it's not that. I've been that way with every relationship regardless if I'm with someone everyday or not. I think that comes from my abandonment issues that I have..?? Idk. I just need time to myself. I need to get out while he's being stupid or just get out for good. Idk what to do. It's like I'm stuck. I know I should leave, I know it's not good for me to be here. I'm putting myself through hell. But how can I when my car is broken down and I have no money to fix it?? He's the one that's offering to fix it, but I can't be on his ass every minute of the day about getting my car fixed cuz I already tried that, and the outcome was bad. I can't look for a job yet because of my car, yet I can't find a decent job. I need to just get the courage to wake up and go for morning walks or something. I really want another camera so I can start taking pictures of my artwork and other random stuff that I pass by on these future walks that I plan to do. At least if I have something to work with, it will give me something to do and I'll have more time to myself away from this craziness.

I want to do something with my artwork. A lot of people told me I should try selling it, because it's very interesting. For the longest time, I thought to myself "I could never sell my work", because I just didn't want to let go.... but now I think I'm at a point in my life where I am ready to let go. I want to accomplish something with my creations. I think I can go far with my art. Art is appreciated everywhere. It's not always understood, but it's appreciated. I definitely put my heart and soul into what I create. I don't just draw what I see. I draw what's going on inside my mind. Not only that, but it's not everyday I can create. I create when I'm feeling inspired or just had it up to here and I just let it all out on a piece of paper. I was told I have the soul of an artist. That I probably do.

Well I'm done for now. I think I am going to take a shower and do some cleaning up around here... then maybe he'll be at least a bit happy or something.

What am I doing to myself?

I'm clinging to a guy that isn't good for me, emotionally and physically. I don't know how to part from him... I've been friends with him longer than I've been dating him. He was so sweet as a friend, I wish he would remain that way. He turns into an ugly person when he drinks. Almost unbearable. He needs help... and I know I'm not doing him or myself any help by staying here. I'm just as sick as he is for staying in the situation. I tell myself things will get better or I just simply put the past in the past.. but this is one of those things that you can't just put in the past. He frightens me so much. I hardly even drink anymore because I know what the outcome between us is going to be. I fear when he gets drunk, because I know what he turns into. When he's drunk.. and he hears one wrong thing or whatever... that's enough to set him off. He can't accept me for my past when he's drunk.. but I accept him for his. He tells me it's bullshit that my past is the past, because if the past didn't matter then I wouldn't have shared with him the things that I did tell him when we were dating. To me, that just sounds ridiculous. Everyone has a past... take it or leave it. He's a bitter person. He holds in so much anger from his past that he takes it out on me... and by the time we're done fighting, I fall into his trap. He apologizes and I forgive him. I'm so weak in the knees. I'm letting myself go again. This is one of those things I was talking about in my earlier blog when I said that I thought life would get easier after going through each obstacle that comes to you. But it's not... life keeps getting harder. Not all the time. My life right now is like a roller coaster.... ups and downs. This is most definitely a down. I just want someone who will treat me right and respect me for my past. I want to believe so much that he can change, but we all know that the only way he's going to change if he seeks help himself... which is very unlikely. And I hate to have doubt in him, because I believe so much in people. I'm just so attached to what a beautiful relationship we had while we were friends, and idk if I'm strong enough to remain his friend if anything did happen. I think I'm in love with who he was when we were friends, the sweet side. All I see in him now is anger. Don't get me wrong, he can be a total sweetheart, but that's no excuse for the way he treats me....

Eye Candy

Well as I'm getting use to this blog site, here's some of my artwork that I've done. I'm posting it up here for a reason. I want to hear your comments and opinions. My artwork is more than eye candy... it has meaning behind it. Please if you'd like to know more... don't be afraid to ask any questions!

Release

Alright, so it's 5:13 in the morning.. I'm just gunna write down everything that is on my mind.
So I guess you can say I'm learning a lot about life right now... more than I already knew when I thought I knew a lot. I assumed that after going through the hardest years of my life and what I've accomplished that things would get easier and easier.. because isn't that every obstacle you overcome makes you stronger? well that's what i thought. maybe it is. maybe it isn't. i don't know... but the things I do and the things that I have done make me who I am today. After making the brave decisions that I've made, people always tell me that I'm one of the bravest people they know, and that I have guts. I just don't feel that way sometimes... sometimes I feel like I've gone nowhere. A lot of the times I feel like I'm so trapped. Don't get me wrong, I'm so proud of what I have accomplished so far.. and if I want to accomplish more then I need to step up and do it.. but there's always a part of me that tells me I can't. ... there's just so much on my mind.. i don't even know where to start without making this passage seem so confusing... but that's what blogging is about, right? I'm not creating a blog to be grammatically correct.. I'm just laying every card out on the table. Take it or leave it type of thing. I want to talk about my problems. I have many of them. I don't think I can seek therapy, because I always try to make my life seem happy go lucky... but sooner or later they catch on and try to figure ya out.. but there's only so much I'll tell. Well here I am now spilling everything out. One of my issues that I've never talked to anyone about... it's undiagnosed... but I'm diagnosing it to myself right now. I believe I am suffering from a mild case of paranoia. How so? Well a lot of it comes from social anxiety. Why I have such anxiety when it comes to being out in public.. idk. My anxiety isn't at an ultimate high though. There's places I can go to by myself, and not worry about anything... but then there's places where I wouldn't even dream of going because my thoughts paralyze me from doing something. For example... when it comes to going to the gas station to get cas or cigs, or even making a trip to the grocery store I can do fine all by myself... but when it comes to bars, concerts, fsetivals or whatever... I can not go to one by myself. Even if I do go to a bar or some diner to where I've never been ... even whe nI'm with people... I get so uncomfterable because I feel that the whole room is looking at me making fun of me. Why? Idk why. Well actually.. I think a lot of that paranoia comes from when I was just a little girl. Ever since 3rd grade other kids started to pick on me an dform then on I was always picked on for my looks. I don't understand why I was picked on as a 3rd grader.. but as I went through my teenage years I could understand. I mean I didn't conform to society .. I was different. Mindset and appearance. I was never a beautiful teenage girl... I was always so awkward looking and people always made fun of me.. even though they never said it to my face because I may have seemed intimidating ... I knew I was being bullied. My biggest bully was myself. I never thought I was good enough, pretty enough.. whatever. And people can sense weakness. I often think to myself that maybe if I sent of an ora into the room that I was strong and didn't care about what people said... then people would find me attractive. But as soon as you see me walk into a room, you can see "insecure" written all over me... or so that's what I think. I'm the type of person that takes time getting to know... but for some reason there's not that many peopel that want to take the time to get to know someone. I'm so paranoid of social activity that I rarely know how to start a conversation. Well.. when it comes to being one on one.. I'm fine. But If I were to be introduced to a brand new group of people... I wouldn't know wtf to say or do. I'd just stand there. I guess I am getting better at that, cuz at time I do the name exchange and shake hands and give a little compliment. That side rarely comes out of me... but it mostly comes out of me when I've had a few drinks in me. Sometimes I wish I was drunk all the time, because when I am.. I don't care what people say or think about me and I can act goofy and so careless at the moment because I'm caught up in having a good time. But if I were sober... about 75% of the time.. I'm a clam. omg.. another thing that just came about me... is my fear of making phone calls. Sometimes my paranoia gets to me so bad that I hesitate to make a phone call to order food for delivery or call a department store to ask if there's a certain item in stock. Idk what it is. I think that as soon as I get on the phone with them they can sense my insecurities and once they hang up they'll laugh. I mean I shouldn't care what people say... I shouldn't. There's more important things in life to worry about... but for some reason I can't shake that off. I want to so bad.. I hate being so paranoid. I really do. Well idk.. I guess this is all for now. I'm stuck in a small room surrounded by two loud drunken oafs... and I can't think clearly. I can't write down all my thoughts with this ruckus in the background. It's driving me nuts.... because I'm so determined to get everything on my mind out on this blog but my train of thought is every now and then being interrupted and I'm getting irritated. So I'll be back to continue this later on. I might not continue this passage right away... whe nI come back I might talk about a different subjuect depending on the mood I'm in. But sure enough I will takl more on this subject again. This is important to me to get out.