Release

Alright, so it's 5:13 in the morning.. I'm just gunna write down everything that is on my mind.
So I guess you can say I'm learning a lot about life right now... more than I already knew when I thought I knew a lot. I assumed that after going through the hardest years of my life and what I've accomplished that things would get easier and easier.. because isn't that every obstacle you overcome makes you stronger? well that's what i thought. maybe it is. maybe it isn't. i don't know... but the things I do and the things that I have done make me who I am today. After making the brave decisions that I've made, people always tell me that I'm one of the bravest people they know, and that I have guts. I just don't feel that way sometimes... sometimes I feel like I've gone nowhere. A lot of the times I feel like I'm so trapped. Don't get me wrong, I'm so proud of what I have accomplished so far.. and if I want to accomplish more then I need to step up and do it.. but there's always a part of me that tells me I can't. ... there's just so much on my mind.. i don't even know where to start without making this passage seem so confusing... but that's what blogging is about, right? I'm not creating a blog to be grammatically correct.. I'm just laying every card out on the table. Take it or leave it type of thing. I want to talk about my problems. I have many of them. I don't think I can seek therapy, because I always try to make my life seem happy go lucky... but sooner or later they catch on and try to figure ya out.. but there's only so much I'll tell. Well here I am now spilling everything out. One of my issues that I've never talked to anyone about... it's undiagnosed... but I'm diagnosing it to myself right now. I believe I am suffering from a mild case of paranoia. How so? Well a lot of it comes from social anxiety. Why I have such anxiety when it comes to being out in public.. idk. My anxiety isn't at an ultimate high though. There's places I can go to by myself, and not worry about anything... but then there's places where I wouldn't even dream of going because my thoughts paralyze me from doing something. For example... when it comes to going to the gas station to get cas or cigs, or even making a trip to the grocery store I can do fine all by myself... but when it comes to bars, concerts, fsetivals or whatever... I can not go to one by myself. Even if I do go to a bar or some diner to where I've never been ... even whe nI'm with people... I get so uncomfterable because I feel that the whole room is looking at me making fun of me. Why? Idk why. Well actually.. I think a lot of that paranoia comes from when I was just a little girl. Ever since 3rd grade other kids started to pick on me an dform then on I was always picked on for my looks. I don't understand why I was picked on as a 3rd grader.. but as I went through my teenage years I could understand. I mean I didn't conform to society .. I was different. Mindset and appearance. I was never a beautiful teenage girl... I was always so awkward looking and people always made fun of me.. even though they never said it to my face because I may have seemed intimidating ... I knew I was being bullied. My biggest bully was myself. I never thought I was good enough, pretty enough.. whatever. And people can sense weakness. I often think to myself that maybe if I sent of an ora into the room that I was strong and didn't care about what people said... then people would find me attractive. But as soon as you see me walk into a room, you can see "insecure" written all over me... or so that's what I think. I'm the type of person that takes time getting to know... but for some reason there's not that many peopel that want to take the time to get to know someone. I'm so paranoid of social activity that I rarely know how to start a conversation. Well.. when it comes to being one on one.. I'm fine. But If I were to be introduced to a brand new group of people... I wouldn't know wtf to say or do. I'd just stand there. I guess I am getting better at that, cuz at time I do the name exchange and shake hands and give a little compliment. That side rarely comes out of me... but it mostly comes out of me when I've had a few drinks in me. Sometimes I wish I was drunk all the time, because when I am.. I don't care what people say or think about me and I can act goofy and so careless at the moment because I'm caught up in having a good time. But if I were sober... about 75% of the time.. I'm a clam. omg.. another thing that just came about me... is my fear of making phone calls. Sometimes my paranoia gets to me so bad that I hesitate to make a phone call to order food for delivery or call a department store to ask if there's a certain item in stock. Idk what it is. I think that as soon as I get on the phone with them they can sense my insecurities and once they hang up they'll laugh. I mean I shouldn't care what people say... I shouldn't. There's more important things in life to worry about... but for some reason I can't shake that off. I want to so bad.. I hate being so paranoid. I really do. Well idk.. I guess this is all for now. I'm stuck in a small room surrounded by two loud drunken oafs... and I can't think clearly. I can't write down all my thoughts with this ruckus in the background. It's driving me nuts.... because I'm so determined to get everything on my mind out on this blog but my train of thought is every now and then being interrupted and I'm getting irritated. So I'll be back to continue this later on. I might not continue this passage right away... whe nI come back I might talk about a different subjuect depending on the mood I'm in. But sure enough I will takl more on this subject again. This is important to me to get out.